As part of an exercise for my now-soon-to-be-former job, I wrote this and acted it out to describe a formative moment in high school.
I am 15 and shy and weird and Mr. Rosetti, my speech teacher, has decided that joining the speech team is what I need.
What I need to be left alone.
So I pick the most offensive script I can in the library in the hopes of being kicked off the team.
Instead, Miss Starsiak loves it. “Edgy brings home the medal.”
But the principle, Mr. Chamberlin has heard something and wants to see me perform to make sure it’s not a problem.
My teammates – who don’t like me, who don’t know me and have never seen me perform, sit there.
I start. “Nuts” by Tom Topor.
I am doing OK. Everything is fine.
And then I get to the tough part.
I am 15 and shy and weird and somehow I find myself pretending I am a 35 year old hooker, screaming at my principal:
"I know women who crawl through shit for a fur coat. So don’t judge my blowjobs. They’re perfectly sane."
He makes me cut that line. But I end up doing the rest of the scene every Saturday. Going to state. Making the JV team.
So by the time I am 16, I am loud and weird and I am in front of Principal Chamberlin reading the opening to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Without the motherfucking bats.