Guck (gucky) wrote,


You never know what you'll know even when you plan for knowing, you know? The turn of the lightness vs. darkness, vs. heaviness, vs. scaredness, vs. anxiousness, vs. Loch Ness, vs. Elliot Ness, vs. Elliot Smith, vs. The Smiths vs. The Cure, vs. curatives, vs. Lydia Pinkham's Good-for-What-Ails-You-Syrup-And-Powder, vs. science, vs. scienticians, vs. doctors, vs. Doctor Oz, vs. the Wizard of Oz, vs. The Wizards of Waverly Place, vs. wavering on a political position, vs. politicians declaring their sexual positions, vs. missionaries in Zimbabwe, vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Predatory Lending vs. the people vs. Larry Flynt vs. The Flintstones vs. The Simpsons vs. OJ Simpson vs. Julius Erving vs. John Irving vs. Washington Irving vs. Ichabod Crane vs. 1000 paper cranes vs. construction cranes vs. Bob the Builder vs. Barack Obama (yes we can!) vs. Alabama vs. Bam Bam vs. Pebbles vs. Fruity Pebbles vs. Why did they name his daughter after a cereal? Or his cereal after a baby? And was Barney always trying to steal his Pebbles a strange reference to Fred's fear of losing his daughter to men out there in the world? And if so, why is it Barney and not Barney's adopted son Bam-Bam going after his Pebbles? And did they ever explain why Barney and Betty had to adopt? Or was that a normal plot trope that just appeared? Did cartoon characters - behind the scenes - ever call the cops to report that a child had just been left on their doorstep? Were there social workers doing home visits and Betty doing countless pages of paperwork during commercial breaks and while Fred chased Barney around town for spoiling his evening at the Order of the Benevolent Yaks? And why hasn't Homer Simpson ever joined an Odd Fellows or Elks or Lions or some other weird animal order? There was the one episode where he was in on the great conspiracy and lanes without traffic mysteriously appeared... Or was that a Douglas Adams novel? And am I the only one who always misspells Douglas Adams because of Charles Addams? And you wonder if President Adams, and John Quincy Adams, had the same off kilter sense of humor, right? It's not funny, but it's cool, that after getting his good name (because John Quincy Adams is a pretty good name) besmirched in the presidential election that he lost, he said he was retiring only to get pushed back into the House of Representatives by his district during a time when there was a gag order on the floor of the house against bringing up the topic of slavery. But he talked about it. And talked about it. And talked about it so much that he had a stroke on the floor of the House and died two days later. Not funny. Not quirky. But then again, maybe he spun slavery in an absurdist way. Because it is absurd. The idea of buying a human being under the justification they are not a human being because your economic system rewarded you for thinking that way? Goes to show how perverse incentives can warp your thinking. OK, that is not actually a perverse incentive as the dictionary defines the term. It's just gross. And horrible. But we hold lots of gross and horrible beliefs. Sometimes over 100 before breakfast. Perhaps in 100 years my love of cheeseburgers and fast driving will seem disgusting to human beings - the waste of life, the waste of fuel, the damage to the system, the damage to the planet. Or perhaps in 100 years, all that will be left of my, of our, civilization will be a few tribes of people, ferrying from the few remaining unflooded spots of earth on giant, self sustaining aircraft carriers covered in hydroponics using desalinated water, or grey water from the boat people shaking their fists at me going, "Oh, once there were poles and they had ice. Now it's just like Saint Kevin Costner said in the first book of WATER WORLD." I know it's pole not poll, but it looks wrong somehow, like I'm talking about a guy from Poland who just happens to have ice and he's standing under a sign that says Zimne Piwo! Rather than, you know, the place that used to be really cold and used to have lots of ice and white bears and things but is now shedding off sheets into the Arctic Sea like a cheap '70s freezer you unplugged in July to give to your cousin to put in his garage to hold the zimne piwo, even though you warned him that old 'fridges are terribly inefficient and cold beer likely isn't worth that and besides, his wife is going to kill you for letting him bring a mustard-colored appliance into the house, even if it is the garage, but she'll end up using it for hiding birthday cakes and crudites on every family gathering occasion and she didn't pick up Coke Zero for you but she thinks there's two diet Cokes in the back that you left the last time you came over so why don't you give them a try and if they're bad, she'll send Randy to the store to get that and a few more olives because he looks bored, but you know, at that age, everything is boring except the opportunity to borrow his dad's car. It'll take a bit longer because he'll probably cruise around the entire neighborhood trying to look cool, but what can you do? It's a Firebird and he's just like his father, but without the bald spot yet, thank goodness. Aunt Sherry will be on her way soon, too, so maybe she'll bring some. She's been drinking a lot of diet things since she got the sugars. Thank goodness they don't really have vampires like on that True Twilight show or they'd drink Aunt Sheryl, that's for sure. For the sugar, the sugar. I know she doesn't look like that Betty the Vampire Slayer, but Sheryl was a good looking woman in her day. When Uncle Bert died, how they swarmed. No, that was her third husband. Like I said, she was a looker. Her milkshake brought the boys to the yard. But no more milkshakes for her. You know, because of the diabeetis. She's bringing her ambrosia salad even though she's not supposed to eat it. I think one of the kids said he liked it when he was 3 and now she brings it every year. The poor dear. I just don't have the heart to tell her that no one eats like that any more. Not unless they want the diabeetis. Marshmallow salad. Can you believe it? It's amazing that this family isn't even fatter and sicker than we are now, am I right?
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